Go to Where the Hurt Is: Attending the Clergy Summit on Mental Health

I was asked if I could take someone's place today at the Clergy Summit on Mental Health hosted by the NewYork-Presbyterian Ambulatory Care Network.   I'm so glad I went.  I hope I can give you just a small portion of what I learned in less than 4 hours.  

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Before I share what I learned, let me give you some context.  

The Building Bridges, Knowledge and Health Coalition wanted to create an event to let clergymen in Upper Manhattan, Harlem, and the Bronx know what mental health services are available to their congregations.  The LDS Public Affairs learned about this event and invited LDS Bishops and Relief Society presidents in New York City to attend as Clergy.  I was asked to take the Relief Society's President's spot for the Union Square Ward.  Our Bishop and Welfare Specialist also attended.  I saw one other LDS member there from another ward.  Most in attendance were pastors of various churches including Baptist, Episcopal, and Presbyterian.  I also saw some of the Jewish and Muslim faith.  

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SPEAKERS

The honored speaker was New York City's First Lady, Chirlane McCray.  Her platform is known as Thrive NYC and she's trying to change the conversation about mental health.  Here's a link to the website.  

Thrive NYC

An assemblywoman, and a US Congressman for NY also spoke.  They shared some interesting statistics and challenges with mental health.  

We also heard from two doctors, Dr. Yiu Kee Warren Ng and Dr. Sidney Hankerson.  Then we had a panel discussion moderated by Dr. Hankerson.  The panel was a blend of both medical professionals and ecclesiastical leaders.

STATISTICS
As you can imagine many stats surrounding mental health were shared.  Let me share with you what jumped out at me.  

• 1 out of 5 in the U.S. are struggling with some type of mental health issue.  
• Most substance abuse is because of a mental health issue. 
• Overdose is the number one cause of death for those under the age of 50.  
• In the last 30 years, suicide rates for girls ages 10-14 has increased by 200%.
• Suicide is the second highest cause of death in the U.S. for ages 15-29. 
• Suicide rates for all ages are at an all-time high within the last 30 years.  
• Those who are suffering with a mental health issue are more likely to seek their clergy than a doctor or therapist.  
• Depression is the #1 cause of disabilities in the U.S. 
• Pastors and other clergymen are more likely to suffer from depression than the average American.

STUMBLING BLOCKS 

Those who minister to others in a faith-based organization or church have some unique challenges to helping those who struggle with mental health.

1. As stated before, those who are suffering with mental health, are more likely to seek their clergy rather than a professional.  Some may be resistant to seeking professional help because of distrust, lack of access, or their faith traditions.
2. Clergy have a tradition of actually making it difficult for church members to seek professional help.  Sayings like, "Too blessed to be stressed" or "Too anointed to be disappointed" make those struggling feel like they shouldn't be battling grief, depression, or anxiety.  The idea to pray harder is encouraged.
3. Since clergy are not therapists or mental health professionals, they struggle providing adequate support and care.  This not only doesn't help the one in need, but also causes stress and mental health issues to the clergy.

SOLUTIONS

The theme that was repeated throughout the event was understanding the difference between being a first responder and a professional.

Here's one way to look at it.

Let's say you come upon someone who is bleeding.  You have a basic understanding of first aid.  You know that you need to stop the bleeding, clean the wound, call for help, and stay with the patient until help arrives.  You also know that since you aren't a doctor, you can't stitch up the wound, or perform surgery on the one who is suffering.

Let's say you come upon someone who is having a panic attack.  Do you have a basic understanding of mental health first aid?  Do you understand that you are not a therapist and can't "treat" the person?  Do you know what questions to ask?  Do you know how to call for help?

Well, New York City is working to change that.  ThriveNYC offers mental health first aid training classes.  To learn more about the classes offered, click on the link below.
Mental Health First Aid

When assessing a person's physical health, we look at their vital signs.
Heart rate
Blood pressure
Temperature
Respiration
Weight

When a assessing a person's mental health, we can look at other vital signs.
Heart rate:  Listen to their heart.  What is their story?
Blood pressure:  What stresses or pressures are they experiencing?
Temperature:  What heated emotions are they showing?
Respiration: Do they have room to breathe?  Are they practicing self care?
Weight: What anxieties or worries are weighing on their minds.

As those who are leaders in our churches' organizations, we are known as the first responders.  Here's what we can do.

• Assess their risk of harm or suicide.
• Listen to them non-judgmentally - be a careful listener 
• Reassure them and give them information of what they can do next
• Encourage them to seek help
• Encourage them to get support

As first responders there is something else we should also do.  That is to make sure we are practicing self-care so that we can stay mentally healthy.

In our info packet was a worksheet allowing us to inventory how well we perform self-care.  As an aside, I have to say this.  I was humbled by this list.  These are activities encouraged by the LDS Church to all of its members.  I guess I've always seen the counsel from the leaders as ways to live the gospel, I've never seen it as ways to stay mentally healthy too.

I won't type the whole list, but here is a sample of the worksheet.

SPIRITUAL
--Read Bible daily
--Daily time in prayer
--Journal insight from Bible, reflections on the day
--Serve and encourage others
--Start your day with a time of praise and prayer
--End your day with a time of praise and thanskgiving
--Bible study (dig deep)
--Join a small group where you can share, pray, learn

PHYSICAL
--Eat healthy
--Exercise
--Get regular medical care for prevention and when needed
--Get enough sleep every night
--Set boundaries for time away from telephones/email/technology

PSYCHOLOGICAL
--Make time for self-reflection but don't stare at the past- just glance and move forward
--Write in a journal
--Read literature that is unrelated to work
--Do something at which you are not an expert or in charge
--Engage your intelligence in a new area
--Practice receiving from others
--Say "no" to extra responsibilities

I'd like to end with a poignant comment made by one of the panelists.

Compassion is going to where the hurt is.  When someone is suffering, all they know is that they are hurting.  They don't know why or that they need help.  We can't wait for them to come to us, we must go to them.  We must enter their homes and sit with them.  That is how we minister to them.

The LDS Church has a dual-sided program known as visiting teaching (women visiting women) and home teaching (priesthood holders visiting families).  This program is based on the idea of one-on-one ministering.  To learn more about how these programs work within the Church visit the links below:
Visiting Teaching
Home Teaching

NYC has a hotline for those who are struggling with depression, anxiety, suicide, and drug or alcohol abuse.  1-888-NYC-WELL.  To learn more, click on the link below:
NYC WELL

Observing Families on Vacation in NYC: Nurturers and Protectors

Spring is in the air here in New York City--blossoms on the trees, tulips in the gardens, and tourists lost on subways.

Tulip field about a 3-minute walk from my apartment

It must be Spring Break for most of America right now because I have not seen it so crowded since I moved here in mid-September.

I can spot the families on Spring Break pretty easily because they have quite a few things in common.

• School-aged children in the middle of the day
• Hats, t-shirts, or jackets with NYC on them
• Looking up at buildings
• Taking pictures of said buildings
• Not making eye-contact with those who pass by.  (Okay, who am I kidding? New Yorkers don't do that either.)  

But I have to say the number one thing I have noticed about these families is the parents.  They all pretty much do the same thing.  

FATHERS 

The dads in the family are almost always at the front of the pack.  They are leading the way as the family tries to navigate around other pedestrians.  Walking on sidewalks is akin to driving on a highway.  We have lanes and everyone is expected to maintain a minimum speed.  The fathers create a path for the family to follow.  

Fathers also seem to be the "holder of stuff."  They have more bags in their hands than the others, and also are usually the one carrying the valuables, cameras, bags, etc.  What is it about dads that make them such good pack horses?  

As soon as a family gets on the subway, the dad looks for the subway map, figures out which stop they need to exit, and informs the rest of the family which stop is theirs.  I have seen this repeated many times. Most New Yorkers just know to lean to one side if they are sitting in front of the subway map without having to be asked.  

MOTHERS 

Mothers tend to walk either behind or beside the children.  I've noticed that they like to have all of their kids in view.   Depending on the age of the kids, they may even hold their hands.  I think the best image I can relate it to is a mother hen gathering her chickens.  

When the family gets on the subway, I see the mother do a quick check to make sure all the kids made it onto the subway.  Then they look for a place for their kids to sit or stand.  I can tell they don't want their kids to sit next to someone who looks questionable.  (Fortunately, very few people are like that on the subway, most are tired commuters or other tourists.)  

As I have observed this pattern repeated among different family sizes, ages, races, and nationalities, it has caused me to wonder. Why?  Why does every family behave the same way in New York City no matter where they are from?  How did all these fathers and mothers learn to act like this? 

The LDS Church published a document called the Family Proclamation in 1995.  You can read the full text here. 

In it we read, 

"By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children."  

Family Proclamation to World, emphasis added

What I observe on the streets in New York City isn't all the different than what we see in families everywhere.  Fathers work hard to clear the dangers and obstacles for their families and make sure the family is going in the right direction and doesn't get lost.  Mothers are looking out for their children and making sure they are cared for.

Of course not every family is exactly what I just described, but as I see this description in the Family Proclamation repeated over and over, it tells me that a father's and a mother's role is by divine design. 

This divine pattern was established long ago with our first parents, Adam and Eve. 

The reason why we are here is because of the choices they made in the Garden of Eden.  They brought about what is known as the Fall and made it possible for us to live here on earth.  We learn that while their roles may have been different, they definitely worked together. 

Adam began to till the earth, and to have dominion over all the beasts of the field, and to eat his bread by the sweat of his brow, as I the Lord had commanded him.  And Eve, also, his wife, did labor with him. ~ Moses 5:1 [emphasis added]

Almost 24 years ago, a certain Englishman and I assumed the roles of father and mother.  As our kids came quickly within a six and a half year period, we didn't really have much time to think about how we wanted to fill that role, we were too busy just doing it.  

But as I look back on almost a quarter of a century of parenting, I realize that I am primarily the nurturer and my husband is the protector.  Not to say that I don't ever provide or protect, or that he never nurtures, but we each have been what I call the "chief worrier" in our respective roles.  It was just our instinct to take that on. 

Now Satan, who finally realized that he had been participatory in bringing about the Plan of Salvation, in my opinion, never forgave Eve.  Since that time it seems like he has launched an attack on females for millennia.  One of his strategies is to minimize the role women play here on earth.  And one way to do that is by demeaning the role of nurturer.  We see it happening in Hollywood, politics, and society.  For some reason being considered a nurturer isn't as "strong" or as "important" as being a protector. 

However. 

When a family is on vacation in the bustling city of New York City, what the world thinks about gender roles suddenly doesn't matter any more.  I submit that divine instincts kick in and they do what needs to be done to provide for their children.  Whether it's removing obstacles and finding the right path, or expressing love and care and making sure the children feel safe, they both are acting like our first parents, Adam and Eve.  It's quite moving to see that in action while sitting on the E train headed uptown. 


I am grateful that the Plan of Salvation allows us to live as families here on earth.  We can learn more about our Heavenly Parents by caring for some of Their children.  Whether it is to our siblings, children, nieces and nephews, or any of God's children, we all have an opportunity to be a protector or a nurturer, even outside of New York City.  

You Are Now Ours: The LDS Church in NYC

For those not familiar with the LDS Church, our congregations are divided geographically into what are called wards.

Here's a short 2 minute video that explains what a ward is in our church community.

I've always wondered how those not in the LDS faith move to a brand new place with no friends or family close by.  It must take a lot of bravery and confidence.  Or, I imagine it would, because I have never had to.

When my two youngest kids and I lived in France one summer, one of the first things we did was try to find the LDS Church building.  At the building we met two sister missionaries and were invited to a baptism which allowed us to meet several members of the ward.  By the time we attended Sunday service, we were already part of the family.


Here in NYC, the wards are divided based on subway lines, not neighborhoods.  Our ward is relatively close to the 1,2,3 subway lines in lower Manhattan.  We are called the Union Square Ward because our church building is near Union Square.

New York City's population is .36% Mormon.

Which is a huge change from Pleasant Grove, Utah which is 89% Mormon.  Which might explain why my last ward's boundary looked like this.

Almost every home in our ward has a Mormon living there. 

After a long day and night getting moved into NYC  , we pulled ourselves out of bed (the 2 hour difference from Utah is felt the most in the mornings) and went to church.

We have attended service in this ward before, so it was nice to see familiar faces.

As the Bishop (the congregational ecclesiastical leader) opened the meeting, he welcomed the Stake President, President Buckner, who was sitting next to him on the stand.  The stand is the area behind the pulpit.  Multiple wards are grouped together in what is called a stake.  Manhattan is one stake with 15 wards and branches (small congregations are called branches).

I didn't think anything of the announcement because a Stake President will frequently visit the different wards within his stake.

The Bishop then said that the Stake President was going to speak to us.

Pres. Buckner stood up and said that he was there to call a new Bishop.

He then gave some interesting statistics.  I learned some others that day as well, that I'll also include.

• The Manhattan Stake has 15 units, because of this, the stake has permission to have 15 members on the High Council (a group of High Priests who support the Stake President and his two counselors), most have 12.  
• The average time someone is a Bishop of a ward in the Manhattan Stake is 1.8 years.  That number is skewed a little high because two bishops have been currently serving for 7 years.  Typically an LDS Bishop serves for 5 years.  
• In the Manhattan Stake, there are 3000 members of the Relief Society, the women's organization within the Church.  Many stakes have around 900 and many much less than that.  
• The membership of the Manhattan Stake has a turnover rate between 20 and 30 percent, every year.  

President Buckner said that being the Stake President is like running an aircraft carrier.  There are airplanes constantly landing and taking off.

While learning all of this, I was starting to wonder if we would just be viewed as one of those many airplanes.  Today you land, tomorrow you take off.  Please get out of our way and leave quickly so that we can get back to work.

Later that night, I ran into the wife of the newly called Bishop.  We ended up riding the subway home together (another great reason to divide wards by subway lines.)

She said something that brought me comfort.

"Once you move to New York City, you are now ours.  We will immediately bring you into our family.  Some accept the embrace and jump right in, others just wait on the sidelines until it is their time to go back home."

I plan on jumping right in.

Moving Day Pt. 2: Reunited with a certain Englishman

A certain Englishman moved to New York City a couple weeks ago.  

You can read about that day by clicking here.

On Saturday, Johnny and I joined him.  

The past two weeks have been spent, packing, cleaning, ordering furnishings online, and saying goodbye to friends.  

Finally moving day arrived.  I decided to bring my world traveler, my Jane Austen action figure.  

Also my favorite paper weight from a dear friend. 

We boarded the plane and I settled in to read the book I'm currently reading, Primates of Park Avenue, but the people behind me were really loud.  I decided to listen to music instead.  

My plane ticket was less than a seat at the theater.  

I discovered that the Hamilton soundtrack was available.  Both CDs took most of my flight to listen to.  It was a good flight.  

We met a certain Englishman at the airport and grabbed a taxi because I didn't want to have to wait for a car.  

As we got closer to Manhattan, the skyline appeared. 

This reminded me of when I visited New York City 9 years ago.  As we took the airport shuttle back to JFK, I turned around and saw the skyline through the window.  I started to cry, I knew this was where I was supposed to live, but I knew I never would.  

Thankfully, I was wrong.

We arrived at our building and unloaded the taxi.

I was surprised that the driver didn't make a comment about how heavy and large our luggage was.  My guess is, he didn't care.  

A certain Englishman introduced us to our friendly doormen, and took us to our apartment. 

Where we dropped off our luggage and promptly left.

You see, Johnny had to be at the LDS Stake Center at 7:00 p.m, and we were already late.  It was the Seminary Kick-off party a chance for Johnny to meet the other LDS teenagers living in Manhattan. 

So we got our Metro cards refilled 

and went to the LDS Stake Center.  We stayed to make sure that Johnny knew where to go and would be taken care of.  

We met a wonderful couple who had just moved to NYC three weeks ago.  

Well sort of.  

A couple of years ago, they moved to NYC with 6 of their 12 children as what they called "a dry run."  They kept their house in Utah and rented an apartment with the intent to move back eventually.  His project ended 9 months later and they returned back to home.  

Only to discover that they didn't like their home in Utah anymore.  It was too big, and too far away from people.  So they sold it, got rid of most of their stuff and came back to NYC where they are happier.  

"I wonder if that will happen to us," I thought. 

After exchanging numbers with the couple, we went to check on Johnny.  He was surrounded by a large group of teenagers, we knew he was in good hands.  I was starving, so we went to our favorite pizza place, called Little Italy, which was close by. 

Then we stopped at Trader Joe's for some groceries. 

I love how their dairy section is called "Moo" York City.  

Are you wondering why we shopped at the expensive Trader Joe's?  Well, two words.  Nationally priced.  Meaning it's not expensive at all in NYC.  

This Trader Joe's has all the same food and prices as the one near you.  With maybe one exception.  

Over 30 registers and a person who stands at the front of the line letting your knew which register is yours.  

When we got home I told a certain Englishman to relax and watch some football.  He has been working so hard these last two weeks that he's lost quite a bit of weight and now has a cold.  I unboxed and put away many of the deliveries.  I worked until 2 in the morning, or what my body thinks is midnight.  

Johnny got home on his own after hanging out at the Stake President's home with a bunch of boys to watch the BYU football game after the Seminary dance.  He fell into bed and promptly fell asleep.  

I'd say moving day was a great success.