"I Am Not a Crook": The Pros and Cons of Online Shopping

"I am not a crook."

~Richard M. Nixon

This past week has been busy.  A certain Englishman has been staying in our apartment in NYC, while I'm back home ordering everything from dish soap to couches for the place.  At one point I had items in carts at

Here's a mental health tip for you.  

Do you need a quick pick-me-up but don't have time for a girl's night out or a trip to the spa?  Then go to an online store, create an account, pick out some stuff, put it in your cart and then abandon your cart.  

Soon you'll be sent emails with compliments and concern. You'll feel very loved.  

Some of you might be thinking right now, "Oh how fun to do all that online shopping."  

You would be partially right.  It's nice being able to stay in my pajamas and browse through beautiful stores looking at their inventory.  But the rest of the experience is trying to remember if you have an account with this store already, what your password is, making sure you have the right quantity and didn't double click (I did once but thankfully it was just spaghetti), typing in the new shipping address (I think I have our new address memorized now), figuring out which card to use, and trying to keep track of whether you purchased that item already.  

Oh, and did I mention I hate shopping?

As a woman, I know I'm supposed to love shopping, but I don't.  Mainly because I don't like to spend money.  But also because I just don't like to shop.  I don't really hate it, but I'd rather spend my time doing just about anything else especially traveling.  

My guess is that most people who know me, don't know that about me.... or even care.  But somebody knows that about me very well.  

Credit card companies.  

It didn't take long before they suspected that someone had stolen my credit cards.  Because 

1. My billing address was in Utah, my shipping address was in NYC. 

2. Someone else was making purchases in NYC using my cards.

3. I was actually buying stuff.  

They tried to call me (so they say, I have no record of this) and then they shut this crook down.  All my cards got frozen, 

Is this Elsa's job?

except one, my new Costco card.  I guess they haven't gotten to know me yet.  

Before I knew I was considered an online criminal-at-large, here's what it was like trying to make my first purchase on Google Express.

1. Google does not ask for your credit card information, it just uses the card you already have on file.

2. If the card you have on file has expired, it will cancel your Costco order.

3. When Costco switched from American Express to Visa, it also changed your membership number.

4. If the membership number you provide is your old Costco number, it will cancel your Costco order.

5. When you update your credit card on your Google account, Google does not use that credit card, but finds another card you already have on file and uses that one instead. See #2.

6. If the card you have on file is frozen, it does not let you know this, but cancels your entire order, all 27 items from all stores.

7. After your order is canceled and you update your account with a different credit card, you cannot undo the cancellation. You have to put all 27 items in your cart again. (Imagine going out to the car to get your wallet and the store puts all your groceries back on their shelves for you to find again.)

8. When you put all 27 items back into your cart and use the same promo code that you used the first time so that your friend can also get his credit, it will tell you to review your cart and to try again. It won't tell you that your promo code no longer works.

9. When you review your cart and see that nothing is out of stock, it will still not let you make your purchase, but still won't tell you that the promo code is the problem.

10. When you empty your cart, you must save all 27 items individually. To refill your cart, you must add them one at a time.

11. Once you have clicked on your 27 items for the 4th time, and received your new promo code, updated your Costco membership number, updated your credit card, you can make your purchase. But make sure you haven't clicked on the spaghetti twice, or else you will have ordered 16 boxes of spaghetti.

12. The people who provide tech support at Google Express are extremely friendly and encouraging to those suburbanites who are trying to learn how to live in a large city.

That is what I think was the most difficult.  I got all sort of strange messages, but never told the truth.  "We don't think this is Heather Pack, because Heather doesn't buy this much stuff in a year, let alone in 2 days!"

Finally I got a call from a certain Englishman.  "I think our credit card (the one we share) has been frozen.  I can't make any purchases.  Could you look into it tomorrow?"  

And that was how I spent yesterday morning.  Explaining to three different credit card companies that aliens have not come to earth and taken over my brain.  It really is Heather Pack who is making all these purchases and having them shipped to New York.

Each company had a different solution to the problem.  

One company wanted me to change my billing address every time I went to NYC and then back to Utah when I came back to Utah.  Like what snowbirds do. 

If only traveling was this easy.  

"How many times do you think you'll go back and forth?"

"Much more often than a snowbird," I replied. 

Another company wants me to send them a private message letting them knew when I'm in NYC and when I'm back in Utah again.  

I'm suspecting they want to know when the apartment is free for them to use.  

But how can I blame them?  This is the view from my roof.  

I keep reminding myself that this is what I'm doing all this for. 

After I finished with the fraud departments, I ran a bunch of errands that I couldn't do online: picked up glasses at Costco, browsed IKEA to take pictures of items I want a certain Englishman to buy at the Brooklyn IKEA, dropped a key off at the BYU Salt Lake Center, and tried on shoes at the City Creek Center in Salt Lake.  

It took a total of 5 hours to get all that done.  (Thanks a lot ComicCon!)

It was entertaining to be stuck at a light though!

As I drove into my driveway after a long exhausting day, I thought, "I wonder what sales West Elm is having."  

Maybe I have been taken over by aliens!